How to Continue Living
by Contrail
Summary: What if Juvia's anti-magic poisoning when she defeated Keith had had serious consequences? Her magic gone, she must struggle to find a new place within Fairy Tail and a new direction for her life, while Gray deals with his own feelings about what happened. [Gruvia, diverges after Chapter 397]


**How to Continue Living**  
><strong>Chapter 1<strong>  
>by Contrail<p>

**Disclaimer:** Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima, and is being used without permission. No profit is being made from this story.

**Note:** This story diverges from the Fairy Tail manga after chapter 397, with Juvia not waking up after Torafusa's black water disperses. (Thus Juvia doesn't know about the dragons being released from the dragon slayers, since she was not awake to witness that.) Nothing else significant differs until the events of this chapter, which takes place after chapter 415.

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><p>Juvia woke up slowly, sensation returning to her as if she'd been swallowed by a dark tide that was only now receding. Her whole body ached and she felt incredibly drained. Her magical reserves, too, felt empty, drained until there was nothing left but the dregs. That was strange - they should've at least recovered a little if she'd been out for a decent length of time, and the softness she felt underneath her told her that she'd been unconscious long enough to be taken somewhere for her to recover. Casting back to figure out how she'd gotten hurt, memories flashed through her mind of Tartarus' attack on the guild, fighting her way through their headquarters, and finally of Gray, his father, and Keith, and what she'd had to do to defeat him. All she could recall after that were fuzzy memories of Lucy comforting her and severe pain wracking her body. What had happened after that? Had they won?<p>

Her eyes snapped open and she started to try to sit up, stifling a groan when her body started telling her in no uncertain terms how bad of an idea that had been. A sharp voice to her left said, "Quit that! You're not well enough to be sitting up so quickly, so don't be a fool and just lay back down." She quickly complied, and turned to look at the source of the voice. As she expected, it was Porlyusica standing there with a stern expression on her face. That meant Juvia was probably in her home, which she'd never had the chance to see before.

"Is everyone okay? Was Tartarus stopped? How long was Juvia sleeping for?" The questions poured out of her, her worried state clear in her voice as she spoke.

Porlyusica made an irritated noise in the back of her throat and cut Juvia off before she could ask anything else. "Damn noisy humans, won't give you time to answer one question before asking more."

"Sorry," she mumbled, looking away chastened.

With a hmph, Porlyusica continued, "You were out for a few days. All your guildmates managed to keep themselves in more or less one piece. And Tartarus managed to activate Face, but the dragons managed to destroy the bombs before they could do too much damage."

She blinked at the healer's words. Dragons…? Was she talking about the dragon slayers' dragons…? But then something else Porlyusica said sunk in and her heart fell. So, all the things she'd done, and Tartarus had still managed to activate Face anyway… She'd hurt Gray-sama for nothing.

Porlyusica's voice broke her out of her dark thoughts. "You've probably noticed that you don't have the magical energy to draw on that you're used to." Juvia looked up at Porlyusica and nodded, her brows drawing together anxiously, a feeling that was not at all eased by the almost sympathetic look Porlyusica was giving her. "That's because those particles you were poisoned with damaged your ability to store eternano. Effectively, you are no longer a mage."

Juvia's jaw dropped. "What- How- Did the others…?"

She shook her head. "The others absorbed the particles through their skin and lungs, which then spread through their bloodstream, damaging much of their bodies but at a slow rate. And the antidote I made for them used the blood of the demon who created the particles that afflicted them. You, on the other had, managed to absorb the particles directly into your body - and I wonder what sort of foolhardy stunt you pulled to manage _that_ - and they ended up clustered around the largest concentrations magic in your body - your magic containers. Add in the antidote being less effective on you because you were poisoned by a different source, and it's lucky that you survived. Even Wendy's magic couldn't fix the damage that was done to you."

"Juvia-" she had to swallow a lump that formed in her throat- "Juvia sees."

"Makarov asked to be informed when you regained consciousness," Porlyusica stated as she turned away, presumably to perform that task.

"Does… Does the rest of Fairy Tail know that…?" she asked hesitantly.

Pausing, Porlyusica simply replied, "Yes," before continuing on her way.

Well, at least she wasn't going to have to break the news to the others. She wouldn't have known what to say. Juvia sighed. It was ironic, at one point she would have gladly given up her magic if it had meant that the rain would end as well. But now losing her magic meant that she might lose the only place she's ever really felt at home, too. Without magic, she couldn't go on jobs or fight to protect those she cared about. Did it even make sense for her to try to stay in a mage guild like Fairy Tail, now that she was no longer a mage? Or would she just be a burden on them? …Maybe this was her punishment, for what she'd done to Gray-sama and Father. Maybe she didn't deserve to be a Fairy Tail mage anymore, or a mage at all.

Those kinds of sad thoughts were still chasing themselves around her mind when knocking was heard at Porlyusica's door. As the healer answered the door, Juvia gradually pushed herself up into a sitting position with some effort. Porlyusica stepped out of the hut, and the diminutive Master of Fairy Tail entered in her place, closing the door behind him to give them privacy. Making his way over to her bed, Makarov hopped up to sit next to Juvia, placing them at close to each other's eye level. "How are you feeling, child?" he asked as he gently patted one of her hands.

"Juvia's feeling weak but okay, other than…" Makarov gave her a sympathetic look as her voice trailed off. Taking a deep breath, she then proceeded to say, "She would like to thank Master for taking her in, and everything he's done for Juvia in her time as a Fairy Tail mage."

He frowned at her. "You make it sound like you're leaving the guild."

She looked down sadly. "Shouldn't Juvia leave? She isn't a mage anymore, she'll just be a burden on everyone…"

Makarov shook his head at her firmly. "While we won't keep you if you truly wish to leave, you shouldn't quit the guild just because you think you should. You wouldn't be the first member of this guild not to have magic of their own, and every one of them has been able to contribute in their own ways. One of them even managed to reach S-Class. And even if you weren't able to contribute, this guild would never leave you behind. You're part of our family now, and family takes care of each other."

By the end tears were leaking from Juvia's eyes, she was so touched by Makarov's words. "Thank you, Master. Juvia will keep your words in mind." She still wasn't sure she deserved to remain in Fairy Tail, but she was very glad that there would still be a place for her there if she wanted it.

"Good. But I should get going. Porlyusica said that you shouldn't be tired out too much, and there's others who want to visit you." He patted her hand again and then got up to make his way to the door. As he put his hand on the door knob, Makarov turned back to look at her, a slightly sly smile on his face. "I'll be sending in someone who is eager to see you, and I'm sure you want to see him, too."

Juvia frowned at Makarov's words, wondering who he meant. But she didn't have long to wonder, for a few short moments later a slightly hesitant looking Gray let himself into the cottage. Her heart fluttered a little at the thought that Gray wanted to see her, only to sink as she recalled that he probably had no idea what she'd done. She looked away as Gray settled himself on the edge of her bed next to her.

For a few moments, they sat together in awkward silence, neither one willing to break it. Juvia knew she should tell him about what happened, beg for his forgiveness, but she couldn't find the words. Finally, Gray cleared his throat, breaking the silence, before asking, "So, um, how're you feeling?"

Fiddling with her fingers in her lap and still not looking at him, she quietly replied, "Juvia is fine."

Gray let out a light scoff at that. Juvia snuck a quick glance at him only to find him frowning at her. "You don't have to pretend to be okay, y'know. Anyone'd be upset about what happened to you."

She sighed, biting her lip before confessing to him, "…Maybe Juvia deserves what happened to her."

Juvia felt him stiffen beside her. "What kinda crazy talk is that," he said flatly as he grasped her shoulders, trying to make her meet his eyes.

But she kept her face turned away from him as she began to explain. "Juvia- Juvia killed Father. He contacted her, during the fighting, and told her that she needed to defeat the necromancer. If she stopped him, he wouldn't be able to use the chairman to activate Face. But she knew that if she defeated the necromancer, then Father would die, too. And she did it anyway, even knowing how much it would hurt Gray-sama to lose Father again. She did it, and she didn't even manage to stop Face in the process. She _deserves_ having lost-"

"Juvia, _stop_," Gray commanded her as he gave her a small shake, finally breaking out of the stunned silence he'd been in since she started her explanation. She looked up at him, her renewed tears running down her face, as he glared down at her. "You're wrong," he told her forcefully. "My dad wanted to die. He wanted to be with my mom again. _You_ gave that to him, when I couldn't bring myself to. And you may not have been able to stop Face, but without the powers I got from my dad, both Natsu and I probably would've died. So don't say stupid shit like you deserved to lose your magic."

She just gaped at him for a moment. She hadn't expected him to react like that at all. "Gray-sama… forgives Juvia?"

"No, because there isn't anything for me to forgive. You did great. I'm just sorry that you had to go through all that."

Juvia leaned forward, resting her forehead on his shoulder as tears continued to fall from her eyes. "But… Gray-sama… Father…"

She heard him sigh as he wrapped one arm around her waist and started stroking her hair with his other hand. "He'd been around long after he should've been dead. He would've been gone soon anyway, one way or another." But as much as he tried to keep his voice steady, she could hear the subtle undercurrent of pain beneath those words. Wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face in the crook of his neck, she cried harder. She wasn't sure if she was crying for him and what he'd lost, for herself and what she'd gone through, or both. But cry she did for a long while, as he held her close.

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><p>Well, that was rather heavy. And the rest of the fic is likely to continue in a similar vein, not that it won't have the occasional lighter moment though. Oh, and just so we're clear, Juvia won't ever regain her magic in this fic. Seeing how she deals with losing it is the point of the story.<p>

Please review and let me know what you thought of this! :^)


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